


With Friends Like These

by CalamityK



Category: Naruto
Genre: Birthday, Birthday Presents, Birthday Sex, Blow Jobs, But also, Crack, M/M, Oral Sex, Panties, Ridiculous, Smut, The only thing super serious is the blowjob and thats not even serious, Yeah you read that right, genma tsunade and gai are awful friends, i am Gai., in the best sense of the word awful, this isn't really crack but it kind of is, tsunade you naughty hokage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 12:06:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9234347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalamityK/pseuds/CalamityK
Summary: Birthday cakes with black icing should not exist, and Kakashi really needs better comrades----------Or that fic where its Kakashi's birthday and his friends decide to make it hilariously awful (they may just make it wonderful too).





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pumpkinpiechey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkinpiechey/gifts).



> Ahhhhh, so this is a rewrite of a really old really crack-y fic of mine i deleted from another fandom.  
> It's much improved here.
> 
> Disclaimer: i don't own Naruto or the characters..blah..blah..I just like my sensei's.
> 
> This is NOT beta'd who is even surprised. Also this whole fic is a joke and i love it.  
>   
> Dedicated to Lacey. This is partially your fault.

Birthday cakes with black icing _should not_ exist, and Kakashi really needs better comrades.

He really wishes there was no correlation between those two things, but _unfortunately_ they go hand in hand. He’s currently standing in his shower with his clothes on and his mask sticking wetly to his cheeks. He watches the water run a nasty green-blue-black color as it swirls down the drain at his feet. _Gross._

Not only did his ‘friends’ (those that aren’t off on missions) make him the worst looking, most depressing cake he’s ever seen, they decided it looked more wearable than edible.

Well…Genma had been the one to decide that. Gai had just kind of shouted and made a valiant attempt to catch the cake with his speed as it had tumbled toward Kakashi. Tsunade, curse her, was there of course, cackling in the background and doing nothing useful. She no doubt has bets on _something_ or she wouldn’t be here. If she weren’t the Hokage, Kakashi would have kicked her out of his apartment already.

If Genma weren’t a talented Jounin, Kakashi would have thought he had tripped, he quickly realized however that he’d actually just thrown the offensive cake all the way across Kakashi’s cramped kitchen. There was some kind of jutsu backing the toss, but Kakashi’s sharingan was covered and for once he wasn’t fast enough to do anything. He just withstood the strange targeted attack like the grown man he is.

Somehow, he isn’t surprised. He’s covered is overly dyed, hardened sugar, and he’s more than slightly irritated, but he’s not surprised. _At least the cake was hideous,_ he thinks. No big loss.

Genma hadn’t even defended his actions. He’d just said. “I just wanted to see if you’d dodge. I didn’t know it would stain.”

Well Kakashi hadn’t and _it does_. Stain that is.

And not just clothing, even though Kakashi’s mask and shirt are black enough to be unbothered, he’s sure he’ll bear the haunting evidence on his face and in his silver hair for at least a week. He’ll have to use a henge. It would be horrifying if he had actually eaten any of the stuff. He’d look like he had the worst case of tooth rot in ninja history.

There’s a hard knock on the bathroom door followed by Tsunade’s hard voice. “Hatake… look. We said we were sorry. I don’t think Genma meant it but he still said it. Why don’t you come on out now?”

Kakashi doesn’t care much about apologies, he just wants to sit down alone and read Icha Icha.

When he doesn’t respond the door creaks open, followed by Tsunade’s blonde pigtails peeking through.

“I’m honestly surprised you haven’t teleported out of here.” She says, “That’s a good thing though, your actual gift has finally arrived.”

Kakashi steps back from the shower spray and manages to look unamused. “Like I would leave any of you in my apartment without me present.”

Tsunade raises an eyebrow. “Are you saying you don’t trust your Hokage?”

Kakashi reaches over and turns off the shower spray. He dares to reply. “Not as far as I can throw you.”

Tsunade snorts. “I bet you can’t throw me at all!”

Kakashi knows better than to ever try. “Speaking of trust, and you guys being in my apartment…where are all of my clothes?” He asks flatly.

He’d woken this morning to the breaking of his wards and a freshly empty closet. He doesn’t know how they managed it, the damn pranksters. All he was left with was the stretchy turtleneck tank and thin black pants that he’d slept in. Plus, his mask and eye-patch of course, they hadn’t been daring enough to try and strip it from him.

Of course, all of those items are now currently soaked.

Tsunade shrugs his question off; smirking. “That’s for me to know and for you to find out later. You know how it is.”

Kakashi wishes he didn’t know how it is. Tsunade disappears back around the door and Kakashi finally steps out onto his bathmat fully mourning how sopping wet his clothes are.

He reaches for a towel only to find they’re all gone as well. _Of course they are._

He lets out a long-suffering sigh and makes the hand symbols for a small heat jutsu; something just enough to dry him off. To his mounting horror nothing happens. 

 _They’ve fucking chakra blocked him._ Not only is this a terrifying discovery, he shakes at the thought that they’d done it without him even realizing. He’s never been so disrespected in his own home. He’s the legendary copy-ninja damn it! This is _impossible! How could he have been so distracted?_ Unless…they did it while he slept.

He quickly debates ways to make new friends in prison after he figures out how to murder the current ones. With his past, he can claim that the psychological trauma finally caught up to him and he’d just snapped. Excuse himself by claiming the Hokage herself had helped _drive him to insanity_. On his birthday no less, he doesn’t foresee this day getting any better.

As soon as he steps one foot out of his bathroom he’s assaulted, his opponent, surprisingly, is Gai. Kakashi tries to dodge, but without his chakra he’s weak and Gai knows it. The bowl-headed bane of Kakashi’s existence lands a grab on the fabric of Kakashi’s tank and uses his speed to rip it off in one motion.

The squidgy, wet material lets out a horrendous noise as it smacks against a wall where Gai flings it. Kakashi is horrified as he watches a stain, from some residual icing on the cloth, trail down his pristine walls.

Kakashi just glares at Gai. “All of you are dead.”

Gai shrugs, “Ah, my eternal rival. Is that the sound of a challenge? When I’m not even finished with my current one.”

Kakashi doesn’t have time to deduce what that means, before Gai is making a grab for his pants. Kakashi grabs the waistband and manages to dodge expertly. Gai shouts out an “Aha!” just loud enough to hurt Kakashi’s ears and momentarily distract him. They’ve sparred enough that when Gai squats Kakashi is already preparing to leap over his head and escape.

Somehow, he’s not fast enough, and he knows it’s a failure he can never live down as Gai manages to actually yank down Kakashi’s soaking pants. He barely has time to lift his feet before he’s being tripped backwards as they leave his body.

Kakashi’s automatic defensive reaction is to grab _tightly_ to his underwear. This weird prank they’re all pulling has progressed further than it should have, but Kakashi will be damned if he lets them get him naked. With his current luck and ability, they’ll all overpower him and shove him out a window, singing happy birthday while letting the neighborhood get an eyeful. He’s at least sure they don’t mean him any actual harm or he’d be a lot less level headed (he’d also not being going along with it as much as he actually is).

Gai tosses the pants in almost the exact same spot the tank had landed and shouts, “Lady Hokage! I believe I have passed your and Genma’s challenge. And in less than two minutes at that!”

Tsunade’s answering shout comes from somewhere near Kakashi’s bedroom. “I’m not paying you anything unless you get the underwear too, you Green Beast!” 

Kakashi levels Gai with the deadliest glare he can manage through his mask.

Gai just winks and gives Kakashi a thumbs up. “You’re lucky it’s your birthday.”  

“Am I?” Kakashi questions through gritted teeth.

Gai’s already blinding grin just widens. “Ah my rival, you are about to be so lucky! I am quite envious!”

Kakashi feels like he’s missing something here, last time he checked he was about to turn thirty, which is an age most shinobi never make it to, and all of his dearest (he uses this term loosely) comrades seem to be dead set on making sure he doesn’t make it past today.

The only person not present is Naruto’s hot-headed (albeit cute) Chuunin sensei, one Umino Iruka. Also known as: Genma’s chosen partner in crime whenever a prank needs pulled. He seems to dislike Kakashi enough to get in on this mess, and his absence is more than suspicious.

Kakashi will never admit it aloud but Iruka may be his favorite out of this strangely tossed together group of ninja.  So, it’s potentially a good thing he’s not here right now, helping make Kakashi’s life a living hell.

Kakashi is almost one hundred percent positive that Tsunade has recently become aware of Kakashi’s (totally manly and not at all extreme) crush on Naruto’s other sensei. He’s also one hundred percent certain she and Genma would somehow use it against him if Iruka did show up.

It takes Kakashi a few moments to realize that he’s still standing in his hallway, wet, stained, and mostly naked. Gai has already stalked off, but his horrendous bowl-cut pops back around the corner.

“Well come on! Presents are prepared to be opened!” Gai says.

 Kakashi sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose as he follows Gai around the corner. “Excuse me if I’m not overly ecstatic for more presents after being chakra blocked and tortured all morning. I’m slightly wary of all of you now.” 

“You’ll want this gift! It’s a gift that will rejuvenate your soul! I’ll be envious of the glowing youth your gift brings back to you!” Gai bellows. Kakashi feels like everything Gai ever says is some version of the same speech.

“Forgive me if I remain suspicious.” Kakashi says.

Before Gai can bellow out another encouraging reply, the door to Kakashi’s bedroom is flying open and Tsunade is spilling out grinning.

“Why are you smiling like that while coming from my bedroom?” Kakashi asks a bit threateningly.

Tsunade’s grin widens. “Why don’t you step in there yourself and find out!”

Before Kakashi can politely decline, Tsunade is latching her small (but extremely strong) hands onto Kakashi’s biceps and shoving him through his bedroom door.

As soon as his feet cross the threshold he hears the door slam behind him and he swirls around to the sound of the lock clicking from the outside. A ward flares up at the same time, and Kakashi feels his shoulders droop.  

“It worked!” Genma’s loud voice comes through from the hallway. Kakashi had wondered where he’d gotten off to. “Only you could manage, Tsunade.”

“That’s Lady Hokage!” Tsunade barks, but she sounds equally ecstatic. “And, of course it worked.”

Kakashi allows himself to stare at the practically barred door in unmasked horror for at least ten solid seconds.

“Did you change my doorknobs?” He asks incredulously, realizing the door should only lock from the _inside_. “Did you change my knobs and ward me into my own bedroom?” His voice may be an octave or two higher than any esteemed ninja’s should be.

 

 

He can practically _hear_ Tsunade’s smirk widen. “Yes, and you were supposed to be naked. So, thank your lucky shurikens that Gai took pity on you.” 

“Ah, but I cannot shame a man so on the day of his birth!” Gai booms.

Kakashi is glad that they’re all enjoying his misery. He closes his eyes and leans his forehead against the wooden door while trying to take deep even breaths. There’s no need to get irrational, this should all be over soon. _He hopes._

“All I really wanted was to read my books, and sit by myself today. At most I hoped I’d be delivered a decent cake and a few cards.” He says loud enough to carry through the door. “Why couldn’t you guys give me that? Like normal people?”  

“Oh, shut up,” Tsunade shouts, “and turn around, I can tell you’re facing the door! We got you the _literal best gift ever_ , and it’s right behind you.”

“Nothing to extreme, though. We promise you’ll love it.” Genma affirms with a slight giggle.  

Kakashi knows that Genma’s scale of normal to extreme is more like an average person’s scale of extreme to _ground-shakingly horrifying_. So, it’s not much in the way of reassurance.

He keeps his eyes shut as he turns around, he can’t use his chakra to feel out and check the room for traps, or _people_ , and its disconcerting. He has the sudden fear that he’ll open his eyes to find a bound and gagged hooker from Konoha’s red light district perched on his mattress. He would put nothing past his friends at this point, especially if bets are involved (and he knows they are).

 _Deep even breaths_ , he reminds himself. That’s what he’s supposed to do in situations like this right?  Slowly he lifts one uncovered eyelid to peek at whatever is waiting.

 It’s a package.

 Not a normal package either, but a really _, really_ large one. It’s easily as tall as Kakashi himself. His dismay only increases as he notices that it isn’t even wrapped. It’s just a giant cardboard heap with about one hundred poorly stuck lines of packing tape down the front.

Kakashi cannot think of one single thing he actually wants that would be this large. He steps over to it warily and gives it a gentle push to test the weight. He fully expects it to explode from a hidden paper bomb or something equally as drastic.

What he doesn’t expect is for the box to let out a moan.

“What the fuck!” Kakashi yelps as he jumps back slightly.

It just moans a bit louder in response and Kakashi freezes. “What the actual hell.” He shouts loud enough for the crew in his apartment to hear.

Another answering moan comes from behind the cardboard, and the thing suddenly jerks towards Kakashi. It scoots rather adeptly under the power of whatever is inside it.

Kakashi takes another precautionary step backwards, just as the box makes another impressive scoot and tips over. It makes a super harsh thud as it crashes to the floor and some of its poorly done tape comes off. This allows one of the front flaps to gape open a bit.

Kakashi assesses the situation. He’s in nothing but his boxers and face coverings (which are all still damp) and he has no jutsu capabilities to speak of. He’s not certain what the hell is happening, but he gets the gist of it. Number one, is the fact that the gift his friends claim he will enjoy so much is apparently _alive._ Number two, is the fact that, not only is it living, it appears to be escaping. And number three is the fact that Kakashi needs new friends, or perhaps even no friends, so he can live his life in peace. Well, as peaceful as the life of a shinobi can be.

The moan escaping the box now sounds more like a groan and Kakashi decides to take a cautious step back toward it. He really hopes it’s not a person. He doesn’t think he will be able to handle someone who has been sealed into a box just for him, at least not in his current state.

He lets out a groan of his own and rolls his eyes. Worst case scenario the fools outside his door will rush in here and save him if the contents truly are dangerous. With that reasoning in mind he reaches out and grabs the flap of cardboard and with one sharp tug rips it open to reveal—

_“Iruka?”_

“Mrrggrrmmphhh.” Is the response to Kakashi’s strangled gasp of shock.

The other sensei can’t exactly give a more dignified response past the _gag_ that’s expertly placed in his mouth.

Not that Kakashi needs one, it’s most definitely Iruka that Kakashi is blinking down at inside the _package_. Kakashi practically chokes on air.

The view in front of him makes him consider that someone has somehow cast him under a genjutsu and that he’s dreaming. There’s no way this is actually happening. This whole day must be fabricated. Kakashi swears.

Other than the gag, Iruka is bound in some kind of shiny pink rope that’s looped tightly around him. It holds his tan arms to his bare sides where he’s missing a shirt, and _oh holy hell—_

 _He’s clad in a matching pink thong._ As a matter of fact, the only thing that isn’t pink is the shiny green bow stuck firmly to one of Iruka’s _pigtails_ (held up with—you guessed it— _pink ribbons_ ). The bow is one of those icky metallic ones you tend to only see on Christmas packages.

Kakashi feels faint for the first time in his life that isn’t due to some type of battle. He self-aware enough to know that he’s just staring down at Iruka with his mouth gaping open (luckily its masked).

Iruka groans again, kicking his legs up to dislodge more of the box.

Kakashi lets himself switch to autopilot (his only safe option) and quickly works to pull Iruka to his feet and untangle some of the rope. Iruka makes an affronted noise and Kakashi realizes he possibly should have removed the gag first, so he does so before untying the rest of the rope.

Iruka starts speaking at once. “Oh god I’m sorry, Kakashi! They’re crazy. All of them are fucking crazy. I swear I am _so_ sorry for this—

Kakashi cuts him off with a hand, somehow remaining calm. “Why are you apologizing when you’re the one I just pulled from a giant box?” He asks. “Though I will agree with your assessment of certain… _associates_ of ours.”

Iruka just blinks at him like a deer caught in a mission-trap. One of the pigtails bobs unevenly on the top of his head, and Kakashi does his best to ignore its existence.

“It’s your birthday.” Iruka gives as his reasoning. “This couldn’t be your idea of a goodtime.”

Kakashi firmly stomps down the disastrous thought that this is actually _sort of_ how his idea of a goodtime usually starts, and tries to look firmly at the wall and not Iruka’s very bare body.

“This birthday was already awful before this even happened.” Kakashi levels.

Iruka frowns, “I’m sorry, I know they chakra blocked you. I didn’t know all of their plan I—

Kakashi cuts him off again. “It isn’t your fault, sensei.” He reasons, “Actually…I’m afraid you getting tied up and stuffed in a package against your will might somehow be _my_ fault.” _Damn Tsunade_ , Kakashi knew she’d use this (the not-massive crush) against him.

Iruka flushes, “Oh um…” He trails off a bit and Kakashi can see him look at the floor in his peripheral. “I may have agreed to that part actually?”

That certainly breaks Kakashi’s focus and forces him to look down at the blushing chuunin.

“You agreed to let Tsunade and Genma hostage-tie you and then seal you in a box wearing nothing but lady’s underwear and some very sporty pigtails?” Kakashi asks very pointedly.

Iruka blushes a bit harder. “Well, one of them _is_ the Hokage. Kind of hard to disobey her.” Iruka jokes, and Kakashi detects a slightly embarrassed edge to his voice. “But uh…for the most part I agreed to uh….to be your gift.”

“Ah.” Is all Kakashi manages to say. He’s fully aware of just how underdressed they both are and he’s fighting hard not to show it (or rather to let his dick show it). “And why exactly would you do that?”

He notices Iruka’s eyes shift down to where Kakashi’s still damp boxers are clinging to his (hopefully not too obvious) semi-frustration.

“I may have been convinced it was a good idea.” Iruka says taking a hard swallow. “After I drunkenly let it slip that I…uh…” He stops to clear his throat. “that I find you a bit attractive.”

 _Great._ Is Kakashi’s first thought. _Fuck_. Is Kakashi’s second because his dick decides to betray him suddenly and give a minor twitch.

As if his luck couldn’t get any worse, Iruka notices. Kakashi watches his eyes widen as he jerks his head up to look back at Kakashi’s face.

Iruka bites his lip and Kakashi has to avert his gaze again. Only, instead of the wall, he for some reason chooses to let his eyes slide right down Iruka’s body to where the tiny slip of pink fabric isn’t even trying to leave anything to Kakashi’s imagination.

Well… if this is his birthday gift, perhaps he should take advantage of it.

His dick gives another small twitch and Kakashi forces his eyes back to the scar across Iruka’s nose and tries not to groan out loud.

Iruka is just staring and blushing and still biting that damn lip.

Kakashi should break the awkward silence with something witty like, _‘Well at least you look better than the cake did._ ’ Or ‘ _the pigtails are a nice touch_.’

What comes out instead is, “Please remind me to murder the Hokage, and at least one of her special Jounin.”

Then he yanks his mask down and launches himself at Iruka mouth first.

Iruka staggers with the force, causing Kakashi’s mouth to hit a little to the left of its target, and the stupid bow on Iruka’s forehead crinkles between them. Kakashi thinks his intention is still clear enough.

Iruka gasps and grapples for a hold on Kakashi’s neck before he turns his face and slots their mouths together.

It’s an awkward fumble for a moment before Iruka somehow gets control and pushes a thigh between Kakashi’s legs, catching on the barely dry fabric and sliding it right against Kakashi’s dick.

Kakashi lets out a loud hiss and pulls back from Iruka’s mouth. But only long enough to get a grip on Iruka and quite literally spread him over the nearby bed. Iruka grasps Kakashi’s shoulders and pulls him down hard, smirking. The pigtails on his head bounce with the motion and Kakashi’s eyes almost cross.

“Birthday sex then?” Iruka asks rather shyly for the smirk he’s sporting.

 Kakashi just nods, and stretches over to reach a hand into his night stand while reconnecting their mouths. He’s so focused on getting the kiss right that it takes him a minute to realize he should have already found exactly what he’s looking for.  

His lube has zero reasons not to be right where he left it.

He pulls back from Iruka and lets his brows furrow. Iruka just goes with the motion and attaches his mouth to Kakashi’s collarbone instead. Kakashi tugs Iruka over with him so he can peer into the drawer.

It’s almost completely empty. 

His small bottle of lube and the few stacks of condoms he had for ‘just in case’ are gone, and in their place, is a sickly pink sticky note that reads:

_“I’m still listening at the door to make sure you two hopeless losers actually reach this stage. Call for me if you really need it. xx Your loving Hokage”_

Kakashi growls like one of his nin-kin and it causes Iruka to detach his mouth and look up at the note Kakashi is holding.

“Tsunade!” Kakashi shouts, completely disregarding her rank in his irritation.

 He can hear the shuffling outside his door.

“I swear on all your predecessors, Tsunade, if you don’t—

Iruka is suddenly clamping a hand over Kakashi’s mouth cutting him off.

“ _Please_ don’t give her the satisfaction.” Iruka whispers.

Kakashi groans, of course his day is still going badly due to his ‘ _friends._ ’ They did all of this just to set this elaborate mess up, and it still isn’t working out in his favor.

Before he can voice his complaints, Iruka flips them over and straddles him. 

“There are ways around their antics, I think.” Iruka says darkly. “Would you like me to teach you?”

Kakashi can’t pass up the opportunity that gives him. “My, my, _sensei_. Are you about to take me to the classroom?”

Iruka has enough sense of humor to laugh before he smacks Kakashi’s chest. “Shut up. I’m going to blow you now.”          

What’s left of Kakashi’s brain short circuits, and he fumbles his hands past Iruka’s thighs to try and grip onto his (somehow still fucking wet) underwear. Iruka smacks both hands away and curls his fingers under the wet elastic. Three firm tugs and they’re off quicker than even Gai could have managed, and Kakashi’s dick springs free to leak up on his belly.

Iruka hovers. His lips are slick where he has apparently licked them, and as his breath ghosts over Kakashi it takes all of the copy-nin’s strength not to grab onto those stupid pigtails. The mood is only dampened slightly when Kakashi looks at the bow that’s still stuck firmly above Iruka’s eyebrows. 

He reaches out to remove it only to end up crushing his palm against it as Iruka suddenly takes Kakashi in his mouth. _Just the tip_.

“ _Shit!_ ” 

 Iruka must have do this often, cause the way he hums and tongues Kakashi’s slit is like an expert. Kakashi’s hips jerk upward of their own accord and he hears Iruka’s full-on gag accompany the crinkling sound of the crushed bow. _Oops_.

He does finally move his hand to one of those pigtails and uses it to yank Iruka back up.

“Sorry!” Kakashi breathes. Even though he isn’t.

Iruka doesn’t seem bothered as he just moves to lick a stripe up the underside of Kakashi’s erection. He murmurs around the tip. “S’fine.”

Kakashi wheezes as Iruka sinks back down and Kakashi watches. The stretch of Iruka’s lips is obscene, and the way he runs his tongue around the head every time before sinking all the way back down elicits unholy noises from Kakashi.

Gai’s booming voice from outside the room suddenly shatters Kakashi’s euphoria. 

“Is my eternal rival pleased!?” Gai asks loud enough to wake a dead Hokage. 

There’s a thump (like a body hitting a wall) and a loud hiss from Tsunade follows. “Shhh!”

Iruka reaching to fondle his balls grabs his attention back. He squeezes them gently as his head bobs quicker and quicker. The slick drag makes Kakashi’s hips rock gently, and the hand still gripping Iruka’s hair tightens.

“ _Fuck.”_

 Iruka sucks hard on and up-stroke as he moans around his mouthful. The vibrations it causes sink into Kakashi’s core. He shudders and dares to scan Iruka’s body. The brown-haired ninja is slowly moving against the mattress as he grips Kakashi’s thighs. Kakashi isn’t going to last much longer, and apparently neither is Iruka.

“I’m gonna—

Kakashi’s warning is cut off by Iruka taking him all the way to the back of his throat and humming. That’s it. That’s all it takes for Kakashi’s vison to blur, and he’s coming in thick spurts with Iruka swallowing him through it.

When Iruka pulls off he’s panting almost as hard as Kakashi, and there’s a visible wet spot seeping through the front of that irritating thong.

 “Shit...that was…” Iruka starts. “Happy birthday?”

 The bow chooses that moment to tumble down Iruka’s face and land on the covers beside them. Iruka laughs and picks it up, placing it directly at the base of Kakashi’s softening cock.

Kakashi throws his head back with his own laughter.

“Yeah.” He wheezes, “That was a… _Happy Birthday to Me_.”  He singsongs.

Iruka crawls up beside Kakashi to collapse, and Kakashi looks back at the crushed bow on his dick.

“You looked ridiculous with this on your face.” Kakashi states. “I don’t know how I stood it.”

Iruka scoffs sounding offended, “At least I don’t have big black blotches down the side of my face.” Iruka counters referring to the icing stains Kakashi had almost forgotten. “I’d like to know what that even is?”

“And I’d like to know why no one yelled for the lube.”

 The voice startles both of them and they look up to see Tsunade standing at the end of the bed, and Gai and Genma hovering in the doorway.

Kakashi grabs at the blanket in an attempt to cover himself, and Iruka just groans. 

Tsunade grumbles and crosses her arms. “Stop looking so embarrassed, Hatake. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” (That’s a story for another time).

“Haven’t you tortured him enough today?” Iruka asks against Kakashi’s side. “Both of us actually.”

Tsunade grunts, “I have money riding on the outcome of this. Not to mention the fact that this is the only entertainment I get outside that cursed tower!” She barks. “It’s not like you two weren’t _pining_ anyway. The least I deserve is the glory of getting you two together.”

Genma squawks from his spot by the door. “You weren’t solely responsible.”

“Genma is right!” Gai offers. “We too played a part in these two wonderful senseis coming together!”

Kakashi thinks there’s no way Gai is aware of the innuendo at the end of that statement, then the green-clad terror winks and makes a thrusting motion with his hips to seal the joke.

Kakashi groans. “Thanks, I think?” He tries, but when none of them move to leave he says harshly, “That was your cue to _fuck off_.”

Iruka raises his head a little, shifting the now lopsided pigtails. “ _Please_ , fuck off?”

Tsunade glares at them both, but turns to walk back toward the door. Gai and Genma are already scurrying out behind her.

Kakashi raises up to call after all them.

“I’d like my clothes back! And my towels!” He pauses, “And my chakra!”

Tsunade just gives him one last suffering look before slamming the door behind herself. The lock clicks again, as Kakashi flops back down next to Iruka.

“And my locks.” He mumbles, looking down at Iruka. “You know, I think we need a new social circle. Maybe one without the village figurehead, and with less Jounin.”

“I’m a chuunin.” Iruka mumbles half-heartedly, but Kakashi sees him smile.

 “She locked us in here again, and the wards are still up, aren’t they?” Kakashi says to Iruka, more of a statement than a question.

Iruka nods, and raises up on his elbow to smirk. “Yeah and it’s still your birthday, isn’t it?”

Kakashi laughs. “We didn’t manage to get the lube.”

Iruka waggles his eyebrows and wiggles the scar over his nose. “I may know a jutsu to fix that, and unlike you, I’m not _drained_.”

Kakashi laughs at the ridiculous looking (but totally endearing, he can see why Naruto loves him so much) man beside him. “Why didn’t you mention that earlier?”

Iruka shrugs. “Maybe I wanted to make your birthday extra nice; you know, _prolong the experience_.” He half jokes. “Plus, Tsunade actually told me she’d lock us in here until something happens. I’m pretty sure Genma bet against her on the basis that there would be _, multiple rounds_.”

Kakashi just shudders, and quickly leans down to draw Iruka into another kiss.

 _Maybe his awful friends know what they’re doing after all_.                 

**Author's Note:**

> Ba Dum Tsss. I continue being trash.  
>   
> I love feedback....so much. Find me at [kingplitsetsky](http://kingplitsetsky.tumblr.com/)


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